femkes_follies | T'was Brilling

Or, the continued adventures of ~~vicodin~~ Alice.

We rejoin our Heroine (heroin? Some of each at this point, maybe), nursing a headache caused by joining Lord Cat der Pillar in testing his new combination Hookah/Coffeemaker. She's wading through a brook, soaked to the ankles and desperately holding up her skirts.

"MaryAnne!! Oh, MaryAnne!!!!" she hears a voice call out. Looking up, she sees a madly waving figure. With a sigh, she struggles up the bank, through the mud at the brook's edge, and across the grassy lawn.

There, seated at her ease is The Whyte Queen. Next to her stands Lady Rabita, adorned with a rose-embroidered sash, laden with baskets, and holding a parasol above the Whyte Queen's head.

"Ah, MaryAnne! There you are! The good Duchess said she'd send somebody to relieve me after the first four hours. Enjoy your shift! I'm late for MY shift retaining for the Red Queen, and she'll be SOOOOO cross!" Before Alice can explain that she was only passing this way coincidentally on her way to go lie down and is certainly NOT MaryAnne, the sash is tossed over her head, baskets are hanging on her arms, and the parasol pressed into her hand.

Alice stands in shock, trying to figure out how she's ended up in THIS mess. As she wracks her brain, the parasol lowers, slightly.

"Ahem. Raise the parasol to an appropriate Royal Height please!" the Whyte Queen commands, only just now noticing Alice. "What ARE you doing?"

Alice gulps. "Your pardon, Majesty. I was thinking."

"Curtsey while you're thinking. It saves time."

Dropping a curtsey as instructed, Alice attempts to stammer out an explanation. The Whyte Queen waves it off, then looks her up and down. "What DID happen to you? You aren't intending to appear in COURT like that are you? Certainly you have something to change into? You're from Elbonia, aren't you?” Brushing at the mudstains, Alice mumbles an affirmative. “Hmph. I've heard news that your people wish to have their own Principality.”

“Why, yes, Majesty! We want to make more of our Region!”

“Don't be silly. We don't NEED more Royal Peers. You'll dilute the honor.”

“But, but.... Majesty – there are so many other things it could do for us. And, surely a few Viscountesses won't take any of the shine off your Majesty's coronet!”

“What other point could there be TO a Principality but that you want MORE people to be Royalty? No, no. Better to stay as you are. When any of your people are worthy they can be KINGDOM Royalty. That's much better, anyway.”

“Majesty, there are so many other things that a Principality can do!”

“Now Alice,” says the Whyte Queen, “I was once but a Pawn, like yourself. I moved across the board and went directly from Pawn to Queen!! Believe me, nothing other than Royalty matters on the Board. Lay down your other pursuits and cross the board yourself.”

Flustered, Alice falls silent. But help is on the way! Over the hill, who should come but Dinah, walking with another lady. They hurry up, and both dip curtsies to the Queen.

“Your pardon for my tardiness, Majesty,” said the new lady, “I was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago, and I was delayed. I'm Lady MaryAnne.” She takes the parasol from Alice, unthreads the sash, and relieves our heroine of the baskets. “I've been sent to retain for you.”

The Whyte Queen sniffs. “Yes, I thought somebody ought to be. Goodbye, Alice. Good day. Beware the Jabberwock!”

Alice grabs Dinah by the hand and pulls her quickly away, sighing in relief. “Well, Dinah, I hope you've been having a good time, at least!!”

“Oh yes,” replies Dinah. “Though there are some strange souls. And what IS a Jabberwock?”

“I'm sure I don't know,” says Alice, “But I suspect we'll find out, before the event is through.”

Indeed, such is the case. Alice and Dinah spend an enjoyable few hours on the archery lists, and then start to return to their daycamp and rest. But the forrest is dark, the trail poorly marked, and sound carries eerily in the gloom.

“Yooooo Hallloooooooo! Yooooo Hallooooooooo!!!” calls a voice from somewhere up ahead. Alice and Dinah stop and peer intently into the leaves.

“Hello?” Alice says, rather quietly.

“Ah, thereyouare. WherehaveyousillythingsbeenI'vebeenwaitingandwaiting,” without a breath or pause between words the voice barrels on. “MyfriendsleftmeouthereonthefieldandIjustknowIcanwalkbackwithyoutwo.”

Through the mists appears a large, evil looking bird with a sharp beak, hooked claws, and a faint rotten odor. Alice and Dinah cling a little closer to eachother. The Jabberwock blinks for a moment, and continues. “Whyareyouwearingthatdidn'tanyonetellyouthatRennFaireclothesaren'tperiod. Andfurthermoreoneofyoureallyoughttohaveofferedtocarrymyquiverandbow. Whyareyouwearingblue – onlyservantswearblue. Don'tyouknowaboutchivalryandcourtesybecauseneitherofyouishelpingmewithmystuff?” and with this, the Jabberwock begins a long-winded string of gossip about everything that anyone at the event or living in the Kingdom might or might not have done.

Beware the Jub-jub bird my son,
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
And shun the frumious bandersnatch!

Alice and Dinah hear more about people they have met and people they haven't than they ever cared to know, all while lugging all of the Jabberwocky's gear through the forrest along a rough trail.

After and hour of this, Alice snaps. “Arrrggghhhh!! Shutupshutup!! If you can't find something nice to say about ANYone just SHUT UP!!!”

“Well BITE my head off, why don't you?” protests the Jabberwocky – and, in fact, the head and body of the horrible bird are now separate, floating in ghastly tandem in the air before them.

Driven past endurance, Alice screams, grabs the head, and stuffs it in her bag. “Come on Dinah, let's go get rid of this silly thing.”

“Alice,” Dinah giggles, “I know she deserved it, but really! Should you have?”

“Probably not, but I just couldn't take it anymore. SOMEone needed to teach the thing some lessons about how to beHAVE!”

'Round the next bend they meet (yet again, egads!) with TweedleDee and TweedleDum:

“Excuse me,” says Alice, “can you tell me where to find the Event Steward? I need to report an.... accident.”

“Steward? Steward?? D'you mean the autocrat?” says one (Alice can't tell which).

“She said 'stew' – p'raps she means the feast-o-crat?” says the other.

“Oi! Surely not. N'Accident needs to be reported to the parking-o-crat.... especially if it involved one of those Iron Dragons. TeeHee!!”

“Forsoothe and all that! She's here in the event, it can't be a Dragon what was accidented! Maybe we should send her to the front of the event to talk to the Troll-o-crat?”

“Now, you're just making that last one up.”

“Not. Saw it on the SCA—o-crats list.”

Alice and Dinah sneak away, still burdened with the (still talking) head of the Jabberwock. We'll catch up with them again later.