I'm not really cut out for this
Aug. 8th, 2011 06:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
femkes_folliesThen again, is anybody really "cut out" for parenting special needs children?
Though there are people who adopt autistic children. I can't imagine, as it's hard enough to cope with when they're MINE and I had them and loved them long before the diagnosis. Though, on second thought, maybe it's easier if you KNOW what you're getting - rather than leaving dreams and expectations and ambitions to die along the way.
There are certain things about this that I'm really not good at:
Advocating inherently conflicts with my natural instincts to not impose on people. I really hate to ask people to do anything for me just 'cuz. Possibly I carry this to extremes. I don't leave both of my children with my own mother, unless one of them is sleeping and then not for more than an hour or so. What right do I have to ask anybody else to put on their track shoes and chase my children?
But helping them to DO things requires asking people to DO things for them. If I want them to have access to a dance class, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and ASK someone to do something special for them. You have no idea how difficult I find this. I was brought up Calvinist, which has a strong tendency to instill a "We are Worms!!" mentality - an assumption that I don't deserve even what I have, let alone do I have the right to ask for more.
Now, I have a couple of dear friends who will occasionally wrestle me to the ground and force something on me. And even then, I'm probably not that gracious about accepting it. Asking total strangers to make exceptions for and put themselves out on account of MY children... is like pulling teeth.
I am not good at differentiating sometimes between Autism and sheer misbehavior. Worse, I cringe because if I'm in public - even if I can tell the difference, I just assume other people can't. And one unkind remark is enough to keep me traumatized for weeks. It was, in fact, my encounter with "Sir Hare-lip" (as John has dubbed him) who really brought it home to me just how unwelcome my children and I are in the SCA. At that, I'm never entirely sure myself (or only rarely) when they need to be "corrected" (his word, not mine), and when they need to be catered to.
I don't have any deep desire to get involved with programming for parents with Autistic kids. I don't really get energized or find strength or comfort in it - it depresses me. Sometimes even "uplifting" stories about ASD people make me cry - and not in a good way. I can't help but mentally compare my children to the person being so spot-lighted, and wonder if they'll ever be able to operate at that level. Or wonder if it's my fault for not pushing/providing supports/making sure they work as hard as they can that they aren't doing the same things.
I really don't want to medicate them without need. And then I worry that maybe they could do more if they were medicated. But if they can't tell me how it makes them feel....
Hmmmm... I seem to need a substantial vacation in the Land of Not Coping. :-(
Though there are people who adopt autistic children. I can't imagine, as it's hard enough to cope with when they're MINE and I had them and loved them long before the diagnosis. Though, on second thought, maybe it's easier if you KNOW what you're getting - rather than leaving dreams and expectations and ambitions to die along the way.
There are certain things about this that I'm really not good at:
Advocating inherently conflicts with my natural instincts to not impose on people. I really hate to ask people to do anything for me just 'cuz. Possibly I carry this to extremes. I don't leave both of my children with my own mother, unless one of them is sleeping and then not for more than an hour or so. What right do I have to ask anybody else to put on their track shoes and chase my children?
But helping them to DO things requires asking people to DO things for them. If I want them to have access to a dance class, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and ASK someone to do something special for them. You have no idea how difficult I find this. I was brought up Calvinist, which has a strong tendency to instill a "We are Worms!!" mentality - an assumption that I don't deserve even what I have, let alone do I have the right to ask for more.
Now, I have a couple of dear friends who will occasionally wrestle me to the ground and force something on me. And even then, I'm probably not that gracious about accepting it. Asking total strangers to make exceptions for and put themselves out on account of MY children... is like pulling teeth.
I am not good at differentiating sometimes between Autism and sheer misbehavior. Worse, I cringe because if I'm in public - even if I can tell the difference, I just assume other people can't. And one unkind remark is enough to keep me traumatized for weeks. It was, in fact, my encounter with "Sir Hare-lip" (as John has dubbed him) who really brought it home to me just how unwelcome my children and I are in the SCA. At that, I'm never entirely sure myself (or only rarely) when they need to be "corrected" (his word, not mine), and when they need to be catered to.
I don't have any deep desire to get involved with programming for parents with Autistic kids. I don't really get energized or find strength or comfort in it - it depresses me. Sometimes even "uplifting" stories about ASD people make me cry - and not in a good way. I can't help but mentally compare my children to the person being so spot-lighted, and wonder if they'll ever be able to operate at that level. Or wonder if it's my fault for not pushing/providing supports/making sure they work as hard as they can that they aren't doing the same things.
I really don't want to medicate them without need. And then I worry that maybe they could do more if they were medicated. But if they can't tell me how it makes them feel....
Hmmmm... I seem to need a substantial vacation in the Land of Not Coping. :-(
