femkes_follies (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
femkes_follies) wrote2014-04-04 10:55 am
femkes_follies) wrote2014-04-04 10:55 am
A Sisterhood of One
(note: Yes, we're doing Golden Seamstress again. Deconstruct to follow the event. Possible live-blogging DURING event)
But at the moment, I have other things on my mind. (I know, how bizarre, right?) I've been chewing through cozy mysteries at the rate of 3-4/week. My latest favorite series is Melissa Bourbon's Magical Dress Making mysteries. I love the sewing references, the setting, the historical aspects, and the relationships between the main character, her mother, grandmother, etc. And I'm a little jealous of it. Yes, I know it's fictional, and in a way no more a realistic representation than the average romance novel is to real relationships. But I miss the feminine companionship.
Don't get me wrong, I love me mother dearly. She is, quite possibly, the sweetest woman on the planet. But we're not "that" mother/daughter. I am distinctly NOT a Klooster. We don't mesh the way that my mother and her sisters do. (To be fair, SOME of her sisters. Even my mother, the queen of "fair and equal" will admit, when pushed, that she has a favorite sister). I adore her company - in small doses.
There are a number of aspects of my life that are just isolating. The first is having special needs kids. The other "Autism Moms" are a rather frightening bunch. I got absolutely harangued once at a birthday party for vaccinating my youngest even after my eldest was "diagnosed." I don't meet my kids' friends' parents, as a rule - because they don't really have them. I've never formed a local alliance of moms who do things together or watch each others' kids because I don't feel like I can ask anybody else to watch my kids. We don't do the usual after school activities. I can't let my kids go play outside without me.
I spend enough time at work and looking after my kids that I don't have a lot of social time myself. Since we quit the SCA, most of those people have more or less drifted out of my life. Which is unsurprising. We talk and hang with people with whom we have a lot in common. The SCA tends to be a lifestyle. Sometimes an all-consuming lifestyle. If you no longer share that, you no longer have a lot in common.
And then there is the remark John made to me last night when I was sniveling about it. "The problem, honey, is that you're a genius." Now, I think this is overselling the point. But it is a fact that high intelligence is, in and of itself, isolating. It was a massive damper on my social life in high school By college I had learned to paste a veneer over it, so as not to freak people out. But it's always a better situation when you have friends to talk to who at least get what you're saying.
I do have some sweet women in my life, but most of them are too far away for us to spend time together very often. It doesn't really fill the need for that sort of companionship. Nor can I figure out how to remedy the situation. I'm just not even IN my hometown that much, during waking hours. Most of the quilting groups are well above my age bracket. The local knitting store is... sort of not my bag. (I've been in it enough to work out that the regular patrons are not My People, if you will. Heck, I can kind of tell that from the stock). Sewing is experiencing a resurgence with my age group, but the only thing going on locally tends to be beginner classes. Nor do I have the time to teach/host/otherwise commit to being somewhere on a regular basis. My job doesn't work that way.
Anybody want to drop by, split a six pack of hard cider, ponder the mysteries of men and discuss the relative merits of different embroidery fibers?
But at the moment, I have other things on my mind. (I know, how bizarre, right?) I've been chewing through cozy mysteries at the rate of 3-4/week. My latest favorite series is Melissa Bourbon's Magical Dress Making mysteries. I love the sewing references, the setting, the historical aspects, and the relationships between the main character, her mother, grandmother, etc. And I'm a little jealous of it. Yes, I know it's fictional, and in a way no more a realistic representation than the average romance novel is to real relationships. But I miss the feminine companionship.
Don't get me wrong, I love me mother dearly. She is, quite possibly, the sweetest woman on the planet. But we're not "that" mother/daughter. I am distinctly NOT a Klooster. We don't mesh the way that my mother and her sisters do. (To be fair, SOME of her sisters. Even my mother, the queen of "fair and equal" will admit, when pushed, that she has a favorite sister). I adore her company - in small doses.
There are a number of aspects of my life that are just isolating. The first is having special needs kids. The other "Autism Moms" are a rather frightening bunch. I got absolutely harangued once at a birthday party for vaccinating my youngest even after my eldest was "diagnosed." I don't meet my kids' friends' parents, as a rule - because they don't really have them. I've never formed a local alliance of moms who do things together or watch each others' kids because I don't feel like I can ask anybody else to watch my kids. We don't do the usual after school activities. I can't let my kids go play outside without me.
I spend enough time at work and looking after my kids that I don't have a lot of social time myself. Since we quit the SCA, most of those people have more or less drifted out of my life. Which is unsurprising. We talk and hang with people with whom we have a lot in common. The SCA tends to be a lifestyle. Sometimes an all-consuming lifestyle. If you no longer share that, you no longer have a lot in common.
And then there is the remark John made to me last night when I was sniveling about it. "The problem, honey, is that you're a genius." Now, I think this is overselling the point. But it is a fact that high intelligence is, in and of itself, isolating. It was a massive damper on my social life in high school By college I had learned to paste a veneer over it, so as not to freak people out. But it's always a better situation when you have friends to talk to who at least get what you're saying.
I do have some sweet women in my life, but most of them are too far away for us to spend time together very often. It doesn't really fill the need for that sort of companionship. Nor can I figure out how to remedy the situation. I'm just not even IN my hometown that much, during waking hours. Most of the quilting groups are well above my age bracket. The local knitting store is... sort of not my bag. (I've been in it enough to work out that the regular patrons are not My People, if you will. Heck, I can kind of tell that from the stock). Sewing is experiencing a resurgence with my age group, but the only thing going on locally tends to be beginner classes. Nor do I have the time to teach/host/otherwise commit to being somewhere on a regular basis. My job doesn't work that way.
Anybody want to drop by, split a six pack of hard cider, ponder the mysteries of men and discuss the relative merits of different embroidery fibers?
no subject
I will admit to being involved in various quilting groups when I lived in St. Louis (15+ years ago) where I was the token young person by about 30 years. I learned to skim over the topics where they thought radically different than I, and discovered that they were less different in viewpoint than I expected. And those old ladies were awesome support when bad times rolled in. So the groups of older people might surprise you, but I realize you don't really have much time to spend testing it out.
There needs to be a match.com or speed dating model for finding friends.
no subject
But the spectre of John going overseas at some point for an extended period does make me crave the sort of support net that I currently do not have.
no subject
Second, I don't have a special needs child, but I hear you! I find much of modern, suburban life isolating in the best of circumstances. Then in my case, I came to motherhood late and, well, the other mothers are mostly young enough to have been my babysitting charges at least. I'm having a lot of trouble bonding. I doesn't help when someone tells you point blank, "I already have a best friend".
Outside of the SCA, I'm having a hard time finding "my people" and inside the SCA? there's never time to really talk at events. Which is probably why I'm closest with people I see once at year, at Lilies, and who consequently live two kingdoms over.
Although, I'd really love to take you up on the hard cider and fiber discussion ...
no subject
Thought I might be able to listen and nod on the embroidery fiber front and then may talk about some of the history of it?
The whole intellectual thing: yes. I realized one day that almost all of the people I hung out with in real life and on line had at minimum Masters' degrees--and there was a level of discourse and intelligence even in our every day discussions. But I was fortunate enough to find a few like-minded moms in our large local secular homeschool population, and we actually met again this past week, making this our...thirteenth, fourteenth year of hanging together?